“What are you?”
The question seems innocuous enough, but hear it enough times and it starts to creep under your skin. What AM I? The older I get, the less sure I feel about my identity, and the more desperate I feel to know my identity so I can own it and assert it with pride. I know I am not the only one – the rise of mail-in gene testing services proves that there is demand for identity clarification!
Growing up, it was simple enough. For most people, identity development doesn’t begin until early adolescence, and despite feeling like an outsider in most social situations for most of my life, the question of my identity didn’t begin until I moved away to college at the age of 18. For the first time, I was living away from the net of built-in identity markers that I took for granted while growing up, and began to realize I needed to figure out my identity on my own.
Coming from an area with a large Jewish population, including both sides of my family (most of which live here), I only ever had to worry about two identity choices. In Jewish terms, there are two main “races”: Sephardic and Ashkenazi. Sephardic refers to any Jew with origins in the Mediterranean, Middle East and/or North Africa, whereas Ashkenazi Jews originate from Russia and Eastern Europe. My dad is Sephardic and my mom is Ashkenazi, so I have always identified as “mixed”.
However, it already starts to get complicated when you examine those two categories: Sephardic technically means Spanish (it is literally the Hebrew word for it), as most Sephardic Jews (including my ancestors) lived in Spain but were forced to flee during the Inquisition. Many resettled in nearby Mediterranean countries – including Morocco, where my dad’s family originates. My dad’s family lived in North Africa for over 500 years, speaking Arabic and French and being fully immersed in the national culture. After Morocco gained independence, my dad moved to the US, followed by the rest of his family over the next few years. I grew up with a large part of them here in DC, and many other relatives nearby in New York.
My mom’s side I know a little less about, other than the fact that her grandparents emigrated from Russia early in the 1900’s, when the first large wave of European immigrants descended upon America. Half of her family lives in Canada, the other half in the US – most of them around DC where I grew up. To be honest, although I was closer with family members on her side growing up, I never really identified with the “culture” of my Ashkenazi side, nor felt like it contributed much to my identity development. This is partly due to the fact that I clearly LOOK Moroccan, and have always been fascinated by the “exotic” Moroccan culture I grew up with on my dad’s side.
To complicate things further, try translating these categories into the races that we use in the US. Some would classify Sephardic as Hispanic – as that is literally what the word means – but in no way does my culture, heritage or traditions reflect those who identify as Hispanic in the US. My mom’s side I would identify as White, as I would classify the majority of Ashkenazi Jews in the US. However, like I said before, I LOOK Moroccan – or at least not very American, and a lot more Moroccan than my siblings – so even based on superficial attributes, I feel that totally identifying as White does not fit.
Naturally, growing up in the US, I have internalized millions of stereotypes about each race, and the older I get, the less I want to or feel like I can identify as White. Aside from the fact that I have always felt like an outsider, have always had my ethnicity/nationality questioned, and have grown up with a parent who is a first-generation immigrant, I just don’t agree with the mainstream values of the majority race. Add to that the fact that globally speaking, Jews are still a minority, and you can see why I feel a bit iffy about that identification.
I recently got a Master’s in Macro and International Social Work to pursue a career fighting for policy change that will affect and promote justice for all races, genders and minorities in the US and around the world. I am such an antagonist on so many issues, that I simply refuse to identify with a race that (to be blunt) is to blame for almost all the problems we face in the world, especially right here in the US: colonialism, wealth disparity/poverty, racism, sexism (fuck it, ALL the -isms), and the list goes on. But hold up. Let me be the first to tell you: I KNOW ALL WHITE PEOPLE ARE NOT THE ENEMY. But as far as history goes, the race as a whole is to blame for many of our society’s ills.
All of this confusion has left me with the persistent question: What am I? If I am not White, or at least only half White, then where does that leave the other half? Like I mentioned before, I do not identify as Hispanic (even though I speak Spanish and my middle name is Spanish, which confuses hella people); I am not Black (even though my dad is from Africa….cue more confused people), and I am not Asian, nor Native American. Well, what else is there?
I have always thought it was mind-bogglingly stupid that there is not a category for Middle Easterners. Clearly if even I don’t fit into the existing categories, how confusing must it be for someone who grew up in the Middle East and is not even 1% White or any other race? It wasn’t until I read this book that I found out that a new racial category was proposed for the 2020 Census: MENA, which stands for Middle East and North African. It includes a number of countries in the region, such as Morocco and Israel (which although neither of my parents are from, I feel is part of my ethnicity/heritage as a Hebrew -speaking and Israeli-looking Jew). Even though this still leaves some ambiguity – as most people will probably wrongly assume that I am Muslim – it still fits my identity FAR more than any of the existing racial categories!! Ya girl was excited as hell to find this out. Believe that!
Now that the 2020 Census is approaching, I feel optimistic about finally coming to terms with my identity. Yes, it feels ridiculous that I had to wait for this information to define and validate my OWN identity, but I will take what I can get. It seems like life as a millennial is more confusing by the day, so I am grateful for anything that can provide a little more clarity! Worst case, if I am at a loss for words, I can just share the link to this blog post for inquiring minds 😉
***Edit for 2020: The US Census Bureau decided to NOT include MENA in this year’s Census survey, so looks like I will have to be racially ambiguous for another decade 🙃
