Although Black History Month shouldn’t be the only time that we consciously think about how to appreciate and support the Black community, it is a great opportunity to recenter and re-energize any efforts to be a supportive ally.
If you are a Black woman, this is your month to remember and celebrate all the ways that you shine and bring joy and light to our world. If you are not Black, and you even think about trying to pull the “why do they get a whole month” card, then please take several seats.
Giving them and their male counterparts just a month (and the shortest one at that!) seems an affront to the social, cultural and political impact they have had on this country, let alone the struggle they have faced just to survive.
This post is not intended to insinuate that BW are the only ones that have experienced oppression and that non-Black women of color (NB-WOC) don’t face struggles too. I am aware that Muslim women, Native women and other immigrant women are at an enormous disadvantage in this country.
However, NB-WOC do a huge disservice to all women everywhere by throwing BW under the bus instead of allying with them. I want to highlight here the myriad ways in which that can occur, and provide a guide to those that want to be allies to BW but are unclear on how to act, talk or even think about issues that BW face and how we can and should support them.
That being said, here are some tips for anyone else who, like me, identifies as a NB-WOC, but needs a little help in being more sensitive to their Black friends, coworkers, or family members.
Check Your Circle
This sounds kind of weird at first, but hear me out: if you aren’t Black, are not friends with any BW, and don’t work with or interact with them on a frequent basis, then how the hell are you going to know them well enough to be an ally? You cannot be an ally from afar! This is what often creates the large divide between WW (White women) and BW, and as NB-WOC, we need to stop making the same mistakes the WW have historically made with their “feminist” movements.
I personally felt SO lacking in diversity with my network of friends and acquaintances in San Diego – and really an entire lifetime of being surrounded by majority WW and never quite fitting in – so I was willing and READY to meet and befriend the amazing BW that I knew lived in DC when I moved back here. Never in my life have I felt more “at home” than I do now with my diverse circle of friends made up of BW and other NB-WOC.
I say if you want to level up your life, you are not going to get far without some dope ass BW on your team! I’m not saying go out and make a Black friend as some kind of a “science project”, but maybe be more open minded when seeking out new connections if you don’t currently have any Black friends!
Be Aware of Our Differences
As someone who is decidedly racially ambiguous, I consider myself a woman of color (WOC). But being as well-versed in race and identity politics as I am, I am still well aware that NB-WOC share as many differences with BW as they do similarities, especially White-passing ones like myself.
Despite having many close and cherished BW friends, I know that outwardly I am very different from them. For instance, I know that despite my internal struggles to grapple with my own identity (see this post), and getting annoyed at people ignorantly asking “what are you” all the time, I also have never been followed around the store and accused of stealing because I am Black, felt the sting of being dissed by a dude for being too dark skinned, or been fired from a job because my natural hair is too kinky.
That’s not to say that we don’t have shared struggles (and successes!), but to equate my own struggles in the larger world with theirs would be selfish and naive. However, I feel blessed to be trusted enough by my friends to learn the struggles they go through, allowing me to be a better informed ally – not just to them and the other BW I know personally, but to all BW around the world, with their own unique struggles.
Don’t Say the N-Word. Ever.
I am going to be reaaaal transparent with y’all. Up until the middle of LAST year (2019), I was under the very misguided impression that I had a pass to say the n-word just because I am not White. This misguided impression was bolstered by the lack of reprimand I received from BW that I am friends with and BM that I dated whom I said it around, who I understandably (but wrongly) believed could “give me a pass” for saying it.
Now TRUST me I was not dumb enough to say it openly in front of people who didn’t “know me like that”, let alone online (so help me god if I ever posted it on Twitter 😭). But at a certain point, I realized that if I couldn’t justify saying it EVERYWHERE, then I couldn’t justify saying it ANYWHERE. Being non-White does NOT equate to being Black. I am humble enough to admit my wrongs and learn from them, and now take pride in the fact that I am fully aware of this and consciously choose to leave it out of my vocabulary. Repeat after me: if you are NOT Black, then you can NOT say the n-word!!
Choose Anti-Racism Over Feminism
Historically, feminist movements have been racist, classist, ableist, homophobic, transphobic, Islamaphobic. The mainstream idea of “feminism” that still pervades our culture is catered to able-bodied, cisgendered, (often wealthy) White women who base their feminism on their own (sometimes) privileged “problems” and totally ignore the plethora of problems that plague women of color (specifically BW), disabled women, queer and trans women, and Muslim women, and those who are all of the above.
Basically, to be feminist and call it simply a gender issue is to be extraordinarily privileged. What a LUXURY it is to worry about sexism and never encounter racism, homophobia, transphobia, antisemitism, Islamaphobia, poverty, homelessness or any of the other intersectional forms of oppression that the MAJORITY of women face, nationally and globally. These women don’t have the option to just advocate for “feminism”!
Anti-racism takes into account more of the problems that BW face beyond gender issues, and has the potential to be more inclusive than feminism traditionally has been. In fact, there are just as many problems caused by WW as those caused by men! Like, for instance, the millions that voted for Donald Trump in 2016. It is much more useful for BW – and the NB-WOC that ally with them – to focus on fighting racism and its oppressive cousins than worrying about sexism on its own.
However, anti-racism has historically been male-centered, so there needs to be work moving forward on amplifying BW’s voices within those conversations, spaces and movements in order to be more inclusive and effective.
PS: If you want to read more about anti-racism, I HIGHLY recommend reading “How to be an Antiracist” by Ibram X. Kendi. Also, Can We All Be Feminists? is a fantastic book on intersectional feminism.
Read, Read, Read!
As soon as I finished my Master of Social Work program in December 2016, I started picking up books about Black history, Black feminism, slavery, racism, and the general Black perspective (especially in novel form). It wasn’t because I was trying to “do research” on Black people, I just started to become aware earlier that year of how LITTLE education I had received about Black people my whole life and how LITTLE I knew about them from my own personal life, so I was starved for new information and ways of viewing the world and the collective conscience outside of my own.
Nothing has been more valuable to me in the last few years than the books I have read in the active pursuit of this new perspective. As mentioned, my life is full of amazing Black women AND men now, and I live in a city with a vibrant culture created by incredibly inspiring Black people and POC. But even with that lived connection and experience, books will always have a special place in my heart. I will list a few of my favorites below, but I urge you to find some on your own, or just head to the library and pick some up.
“Stay with Me” by Ayobami Adebayo
“Americanah” by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
“The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl” by Issa Rae
“The Crunk Feminist Collection” by Brittney C. Cooper
“The Fire This Time: A New Generation Speaks about Race” by Jesmyn Ward
Respect Black-Only Spaces
This one can often be a hard pill to swallow, even for NB-POC. Just as Black Americans have been excluded in every way possible by White Americans, some feel that it is “reverse-racist” for them to create Black-only spaces. Uh, no. Black people have gathered amongst themselves for hundreds of years as a means of survival, and in our modern world with so much pervasive racism, those spaces are still essential for survival.
However, often these spaces are created as a means to THRIVE, and the support that BW receive from each other is so beautiful and is such a necessary balm after generations of being kicked down by literally everyone, BM and NB-WOC included.
As I mentioned before, as welcomed and accepted as I feel by my BW friends, on a certain level I know I will never belong to some of the spaces that they belong to. And as hurtful and frustrating as it may be to feel like there are NO groups that I belong to in that way, I understand and respect the need for BW to have those spaces. I’d like to think I am mature enough to not just “allow” those spaces to be sacred for BW, but be truly happy and supportive of them, even if it means I am excluded.
Avoid Twitter Fights at All Costs
I am going to warn y’all right now, that as much effort as you may put into being a genuine and conscious ally to BW, I PROMISE you that there will be at least one person on Twitter that will see you as “the problem” or the reason to hate NB-WOC, even if you never said anything to give them that impression whatsoever. And yes, I am speaking from experience! There are some BW who are (justifiably) angry and fed up with the lack of support and alliance from NB-WOC, that they will take almost anyone as a target for that frustration.
My best advice is to just leave it be. I spent all of last year getting so upset and hurt anytime I was accused of being racist or even just accused of being White (lol), that I spent so much energy trying to defend and prove myself. For what?? Most of the time the nasty comments were over LITERALLY nothing. And then lo and behold, the next week would come another one!
Let me tell you – you gain NOTHING from trying to prove yourself to strangers on the internet. Nothing! And that shit is exhausting! I made a conscious decision this year to just stop trying to defend myself, and it was so liberating. I know that I am doing work to be an ally to BW and the Black community at large (as well as all other POC), so I can sleep well at night with that knowledge, even if someone I don’t know and don’t care about doesn’t think so! While they may have their reasons for being upset and taking it out on me or whomever else, I decided to stop taking it personally and just stop engaging with people that don’t know me or what I stand for.
Don’t Speak for Them
As much as I feel like I am an expert of racism, oppression, intersectionality, etc, there is nothing that replaces the wisdom of personal and lived experiences. I can NEVER say that I know better than a BW about what it feels like to be racially profiled or attacked (or even harassed) for being Black.
There are many occasions where it is totally appropriate for me to chime in on a topic that concerns BW – and I often do, since I am very vocal in my support of BW – but it is equally important to know when to sit one out. I do not and should not speak for BW. Not only is it inappropriate to do so as a NB-WOC, but it directly opposes my ultimate goal, which is to empower BW and girls to speak up and out for THEMSELVES. Learn how to be supportive without being overbearing or self-centered!
Empower and Uplift Them
I said it already and I’ll say it again: BW 👏 DO 👏 NOT 👏 need you to save them! They can speak for themselves, act for themselves, and could probably rule the whole freaking world if we let them! But show me ONE woman who does not want to be validated and appreciated by others – words of affirmation is a whole ass love language!
If there are BW in your life that are working hard, doing something awesome, or just need something to brighten their day, give them a little love!! It could be an Instagram post recognizing a local Black female business owner, reposting your fave Black blogger babe’s newest post, or even just sending a text to your bestie saying she’s killing it. Trust me, it won’t go unnoticed!
Again, I am in no way telling you not to do this for NB-WOC (or even WW), but if you are trying to actively be an ally to BW – especially if you don’t usually interact with them – don’t forget to show them appreciation as well! The more we show up for them, the more willing and eager they will be to show up for us as well.
Don’t Try to Be Perfect
At the end of the day, we are all human and will make mistakes. The key is to own up to them, learn from them, and move on!
Hopefully these tips were helpful to at least one person reading them. This was a very vulnerable topic to write about, but I felt like it was necessary to do so. Please leave me a comment if you found any good takeaways from this post!
I’m black, and this is a good good work. Keep it up.
I like you already
Ahaha thank you 😁 hopefully you come back for more posts!